I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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