so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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