I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
