the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
