Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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