On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
