Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
