I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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