im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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