I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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