making cat noises will not fix the situation.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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