Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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