I'd wear matching sweaters with you
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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