I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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