i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
