I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
