Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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