Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
my shit smells like andre
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
