I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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