My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
