We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
