the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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