Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
