Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize