You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Randomize
