I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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