when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
YAS. BRING CRAB.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
