She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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