I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
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The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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