somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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