"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
