she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
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I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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