Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
