I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
