I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
