i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
