Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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