I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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