Umm I'm too high to move.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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