So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
