you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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