The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
