I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
