I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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