In the future we'll all be gay
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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