this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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