I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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