i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
