And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
