i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
