just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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