Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My pussy is not your playground.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
