I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
