I have demons in me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
