I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
