I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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