Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
