Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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