That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
