At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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